POEM 1
she smiled at me
as I rounded
his bed
I knew
but
I still didn’t know
or
I didn’t
want
to
knowing
would make it
REAL
and real was the worst thing I could think of
real
would
put me
into
a new
“category”
one of delicacy and kid gloves
of tuts and too bads
a category
I thought I’d spent my
whole life
preparing for.
a category I was
ready for.
I wasn’t ready.
how could i be
heat rises
a rising tide hits me square in the jaw.
I can’t compete with the allure of her
magnetism.
she goes around like a waltz,
an ease pervading the air about her
like it’s coming off her skin,
like she’s doused in a perfume of
power.
her presence towers over me, pushing me to my
meekness,
huddling in a corner even though I’m standing in the middle of the room.
my face wrinkles with giddiness and
insecurity.
I look away.
I want to kiss her and slap her and
hide her
from everyone else and never look at her again.
the blood in my veins breaks into my brain
creating the sweat that will ultimately become my need to
leave.
because I can’t compete with a woman who smells like that.
and if I can’t win, I’ll
lose her.
ultradian-rapid-cycling-bipolar2-mixed-features
i shift inside me.
day shift,
night shift,
lunch shift.
the three of us wrestle,
tussle,
then come to blows.
every one of us knows
how to fuck with the
Other.
just another day in the life
of
mixed bicycles
colliding
in opposites
refracting
or
retracting
polar
icecaps
stating the
obvious
then
flying through
blood red
clouds filled
with rain
the damage comes from
within
without
my
knowledge
permission
acceptance
guidance
love
hate
neutrals seldom come from
a brain
on fire
barbed wire in
my eyes
constant
hyperdrive
reprise
of a
death knell
in hell
the truth won’t make them come
because
from
any other vantage
we’re fucked.
an unattractive offering no matter how silver the platter.
overidentified and undernourished.
25 years undiagnosed and
without flourish.
the red brain
undermining
the yellow brain
undermining
the blue brain.
cyclical gaslighting.
rinse, repeat.
we have a volcanic experience,
no,
existence.
roiling, molten lava
spewed into ashes
then hardened into stone.
rinse, repeat.
the red one bursts in
punching,
screaming,
kicking for
Control,
throwing the papers
in the air,
all devil may care,
it’s about me!
i don’t care!
it’s not fair!
what a dick.
the yellow one is constantly
jarred, disoriented,
too consumed with righting the ship
to keep their grip.
unable to see the pattern
or the cliff
or even mitigate the impact.
what a chump.
the blue one longs for defeat .
any reason to retreat .
sweet release in thick dark sleep .
what a coward.
rinse, repeat.
then the math changes
and the variables trade places,
a mix tape featuring
chaos on the B-side.
an interesting biopic?
only if you don’t have to live it.
there, there, take your meds & do your yoga & write your gratitude’s & you’ll be fine & if you’re not it’s
Your Fault.
it must be.
they don’t know that the
little blue pill
does but a little.
it can’t even touch two of us.
but I’ll swallow one of you whole.